Category:MLB Crew
From OTwiki
[edit] Summary
MLB Crew is a gathering of philistine fans of America's pastime. Their members can be found all over the United States, with locations ranging from the tropical islands of Hawaii (most intelligent people in the world) to the cold doldrums of Massachusetts (angry crackers).
They have a reputation for being unfriendly to unintelligent homosaurs (Fordgasm), but with humble introductions, even a virgin ginger with ghost-like aesthetics (Pikel) can be welcomed into their brotherhood.
[edit] Albert Pujols Category (Members Who Are Awesome)
Heed every word that these members say, because they are your elders.
[edit] Pat Burrell Category (Members Who Are Always Going In And Out)
They cum inside and stay for a while, but the next time you turn around, they're already gone.
[edit] Mike Piazza Category (Members Who Are Both Awesome And Gay)
Sometimes they are awesome, but sometimes they act like total faggots.
[edit] Andruw Jones Category (Members Who Are Shitty)
Ignore everything that comes out of the mouths of these people, because it's just going to be full of stupid.
[edit] Vin Scully Category (Media People Who Are Awesome)
Vin Scully
Orel Hershiser
Joe Posnanski
Keith Law
Rob Neyer
[edit] Jon Heyman Category (Media People Who Suck Penis)
Jon Heyman
Bill Plaschke
T.J. Simers
Peter Gammons
Harold Reynolds
[edit] Major League
Official movie of MLB Crew. If you have not watched it, you are not welcome.
[edit] Awesome Quotes
"Obviously, no one wants to fail. But who's to say that failure's not a good thing masked in the wisdom that you can't see at that point? I just try to look at the positive."-Khalil Greene
"It’s either I commit to going home or I commit to the double play, and I committed to the double play. By the time I got it he was safe at second. If I would have committed home I might have had a better play but my decision would have to be split-second so I made the other decision."-Edgar Gonzalez
"David Eckstein is one of the most unimpressive baseball players in the league. He’s not big. He’s not fast. He’s not strong. He has one of the worst arms of any shortstop in the majors. But he’s one of the best shortstops in the majors. He prepares more than anyone in the game."-Frank Wren
"Why did I sign with the Nationals? When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you're just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J-Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It's 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me." - Julian Tavarez
“Players, to have a good year, have to have a good team. It’s very hard to have a good year when you don’t have a good team. You see the Cincinnati Reds. Everybody’s doing good because they are in first place. If you see us, nobody’s doing good because we are in fifth place. St. Louis has guys who are having a very good year because they are in first place, too. I think that’s the key. If we have a very good team, everybody can have a good year.”-Alfonso Soriano
[edit] A Day In The Life Of Doug Mirabelli
- 9:00 Shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed.
- 9:01 Lets out a blistering fart and takes 90 second piss on his hands, farts 5 more times.
- 9:03 Drinks 3 raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge.
- 9:05 Take out leftovers from the Kowloon pupu platter for 3 he picked up last night.
- 9:15 Grunts at his wife and gives his kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone.
- 9:17 Takes a dump.
- 9:22 Sings Van Halen in the shower.
- 9:25 Shaves and leaves his goatee.
- 9:30 Takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror, screams out loud "Dougie is going deep tonight!"
- 9:45 Puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tank-top and gets ready to leave.
- 9:50 Grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he'll see them tomorrow.
- 9:57 Pulls onto Route 1 with Led Zeppelin blaring, cuts three people off, gives the finger to all three people.
- 10:15 Pulls into Fenway Park, tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks Nomar in.
- 10:16 Puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his family's life if there is one scratch on his truck.
- 10:22 Walks into clubhouse and calls Nomar a homo for the first time today and 350th time this month, asks Nomar if he misses his boyfriend Lou Merloni.
- 10:27 Takes another dump, leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by.
- 10:30 Gives Nomar a dead leg and calls him a homo.
- 10:33 Stuffs Derek Lowe in a locker and pisses on him.
- 10:37 Goes through a 10 minute hand shake with his boy Tim Wakefield.
- 10:50 Francona walks by and Dougie cuts him off and says "Is Dougie DHing the first game?"
- 10:51 Francona runs and hides behind Schilling.
- 10:55 Dougie tells Trot if he played 162 Games his numbers would look like this: .375 average, 72 HRs, 52 Doubles, 9 Singles, 6 Walks, 220 K'S.
- 11:17 Writes back response to fan's letter: "Hey Pussy, I don't wear batting gloves because they are for pussies like your boyfriend Nomar. "
- 11:30 Walks out to batting practice with a tank-top on.
- 11:45 After no stretching steps into the cage, ignores the 5 bunts standard procedure.
- 11:47 Takes 25 cuts, hits 17 over the monster and misses the other 8.
- 11:48 Calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang Nomar for mixing in a curveball after Dougie hit one onto the pike.
- 11:55 Tackles Nomar and gives him wedgie, calls him a pickle smoker.
- 12:00 Dougie's daily order of Double Chicken Parm from Joe Tecci's arrives.
- 12:07 Dougie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Nomar's locker.
- 12:15 Tito posts lineup, Dougie sees he is not the DH, calls Francona a pussy. Francona runs behind Schilling.
- 12:25 Dougie gets naked and takes 25 swings in front of the clubhouse mirror, announcing "Dougie is going deep tonight! "
- 12:45 Takes yet another dump, uses Nomar's $350 silk shirt to wipe his ass.
- 1:05 Game starts, Dougie tells Francona he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers. Francona hides behind Schilling.
- 1:25 Dougie announces he is ready to pinch hit in the bottom of the first for Nomar.
- 1:45 Abe Alvarez comes in, Dougie tells him he sucks and will be back at Portland (AA Eastern League) by 7 tonight.
- 1:55 Dougie's 4 Fenway Franks arrive, pays with Nomar's credit card.
- 2:15 Finishes shopping with Nomar’s credit card, maxed it out at Auto Zone.
- 2:30 Dozes off.
- 3:30 Sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells whole team they suck except for him and Wakefield.
- 3:33 Announces himself ready to pinch hit.
- 4:30 Sox lose game, Dougie tells Francona he should have DH'ed him, Francona runs away.
- 5:00 Dougie tells Nomar singles are for pussies.
- 5:30 Dougie takes batting practice again, refuses to bunt.
- 5:33 Dougie hit 22 pitches over the wall: 11 fair, 11 foul, all pulled, he missed 15 pitches.
- 6:00 Dougie see’s name in lineup, calls Francona a pussy for batting him 8th. Francona hides behind Schilling.
- 6:05 Dougie demands to bat cleanup.
- 6:25 Announces that Dougie is going deep tonight.
- 6:30 Dinner arrives, 2 steaks from the Capital Grille. Dougie pours steak juice into Nomar's locker, makes Derek Lowe eat the fat.
- 6:35 Dougie gives D-Lowe an atomic wedgie.
- 7:00 Tells Wakefield to show some balls tonight and don't throw anything in the dirt.
- 7:10 Scoreless first. Dougie tells Francona it must be the catching.
- 7:25 Dougie tells fans in on deck circle he is going deep.
- 7:27 Dougie screams at pitcher, tells him he is a pussy and he is taking him deep.
- 7:30 Dougie hits bomb off the wall, coasts into second. Almost gets thrown out.
- 7:31 Tells pitcher his fastball sucks. Tells shortstop and second baseman that he didn't get all of it.
- 8:15 Dougie ropes a rocket to third, third baseman takes all day and still turns a double play on Dougie.
- 8:16 Fans boo Dougie.
- 8:17 Dougie tells family of 4 to fuck off and steals some kid's hot dog on way to dugout.
- 8:18 Dougie is tired and is happy he hit into a double play, as he did not want to run the bases anymore.
- 9:10 Dougie strikes out on inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs. Calls pitcher/catcher/ump all pussies.
- 9:30 9th inning. Dougie is exhausted. Walks out to the mound and calls Embree a pussy and tells him to just bring the heat. Dougie wants to get home.
- 9:50 Dougie showers and walks around the clubhouse naked. Tells the Globe's Dan Shaughnessy and Gordon Edes to bl*w him.
- 9:55 Dougie shaves and leaves a goatee.
- 10:00 Knocks Nomar off his exercise bike. Calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse.
- 10:10 Cuts off 4 Red Sox fans. Gives the bird to everyone near him.
- 10:25 Arrives at Kowloon Chinese Restaurant on Route 1.
- 10:45 Sits down at bar and digs into his pupu platter for 3.
- 12:00 Stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn, goes for a dip in his above ground pool.
- 12:10 Leaves tighty whiteys on his neighbor’s windshield.
- 12:15 Walks into house naked and screams "who saw the bomb I hit tonight???"
- 12:30 Wakes up the whole neighborhood.
- 12:45 Takes 35 swings naked and orders porn.
- 12:55 Pulls out bucket of KFC and gets ready for the movie.
- 1:15 Dougie passes out on couch.
Pages in category "MLB Crew"
The following 43 pages are in this category, out of 43 total.
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