Chuck Norris
From OTwiki
This is the only testament in the Book of Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris does not need any more books, verses or scripture. Chuck Norris is all powerful. Chuck Norris is all knowing. Chuck Norris can kick your ass, rape your girlfriend and eat your dog before you hit the ground dead.
[edit] Chuck Norris Facts
- Chuck Norris' girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- Antiseptic soap claims it kills 99.9% of bacteria but chuck norris kills 100% of whatever the fuck he wants.
- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
- Chuck Norris can hit a grand slam with nobody on base.
- If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
- There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
- Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
- Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
- Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
- Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
- Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
- Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
- Chuck Norris recently started fucking guys. Not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
- Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
- Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
- While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
- Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
- Chuck norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.
- Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
- Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
- Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
- There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
- Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
- There is no such thing as a lesbian; just a woman that has never met Chuck Norris
- Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
- Chuck Norris can jump start a car by attaching the cables to his nipples
- Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
- Chuck Norris does not teabag women, he potato sacks them.
- When Chuck Norris does push ups, he isn't pushing himself up - he's pushing the world down.
- Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
- Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
- Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
- They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
- A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
