Shat

From OTwiki

I shat my pants once, it was pretty horrific. I've become extremely relaxed about things since this incident.

Sophomore year of college I did a project with a group of white people from north Houston. Afterwards they wanted to go make homemade ice cream and celebrate over beer or some shit. I said whatever, I was still a naive college kid who wanted to make some friends.

So I drive the hour from south east Houston over to the Woodlands where everyone in this group lives. They make the ice cream, everyone is drunk, and I have a fairly decent time.

I leave and immediately my stomach starts doing belly flops. The ice cream DID NOT settle well. It was fighting my insides and I felt like I was being torn apart by a rabid raccoon inside. I stop at a local gas station, look at their toilet and immediately decide I'll wait until I get home - I'm not contaminating my butt cheeks.

I'm about 40 minutes away from my house and I'm doing that levitating drive that you do when you REALLY have to shit and my stomach is just making all sorts of insane noises. The levitating seems to help, but I know if I sit down it is game over for me. The music is off, I need to concentrate, and there is a copper taste at the top of my mouth for some reason. I can't stress how bad I have to shit.

Then I hit the bottle neck at the beltway, traffic is inching along, even if I wanted to get out to shit somewhere at this point... I can't because of traffic. I'm breaking into a cold sweat but I'm still managing to levitate my ass almost a foot off the ground while driving. I've wedged one foot between the floor board and my bag is dug deep into my seat - I'm desperate.

Then I see the cop next to me. He is staring at me, trying to make sense of what the fuck I'm doing. So without thinking I sit down. And immediately a tsunami of shit erupts out of my brown starfish. I just shat my pants.

Now, when you shit your pants it doesn't just stay in your boxers. Especially a wet, upset stomach, shit. No, it runs down your pants into your shoes and starts to drip out of your pant legs. And it doesn't end there, it only gets worse.

Because it STINKS. Imagine the worst stench of your life and make it worse. Shit smells horrible in a toilet, it smells worse in a hot car in the middle of a freeway. I'm screaming "FUCK" at the top of my voice and feel just awful at what the fuck just happened.

Eventually I make it home, and at this point the shit is starting to harden. I get into our driveway, step out, and some shit sloshes out. I immediately storm into the house and strip as I run to the bathroom. Pieces of shit flying left and right, all over the carpet. I take a quick shower, feeling meek, unable to feel clean... and then I realize that there are dingleberries all over the carpet.

So I try to vacuum them up, but the fucking vacuum brush just SCRUBS THE SHIT INTO THE CARPET. So now there is a really long shitstain from the door to the bathroom, shit covered pants in the bathroom, and the inside of my car plastered in ass goo.

Eventually I got it all cleaned up. But I swore I would never tell anyone. Not until now at least. I finally came to terms with it. Nothing that has ever happened to you can compare, nothing.